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There has been quite an interesting discussion going on in our Birth/First Parent Blog that has even bled across to other of our blogs as our bloggers weigh in with their own unique points of view.
As a reader who is not a birth/first parent, an adoptee or an adoptive parent, I try to take in everyone’s point of view to better understand all members of the adoption triad. I don’t pretend to be an expert on any of them but I am learning a great deal about members of the triad as well as our members who leave comments.
One member has left some comments on birth/first parent blogs that have often left me scratching my head and wondering just why they don’t seem to want to listen to the birth/first parent point of view and yet continue to read and comment on those blogs. I think I finally understand where this person is coming from and I think it may be a more widespread issue than just one outspoken member who comments here. After reading a comment on another blog here, I now understand the filter that this person is seeing all birth/first parents through and have no doubt that many enduring/adoptive parents who have adopted children with special needs likely see through this same sort of filter:
“I have a 22 year old who has FAS, and will never live a normal life, thanks to his ‘first’ mother’s drinking and drug use throughout pregnanacy. It was her fourth child, she knew what she was doing. My son did not deserve that.”
Given this person’s experience, I can see where they might not be inclined to care what birth/first parents have to say but I feel the need to remind our readers that not all birth/first parents abuse their bodies and their children in utero. Some cared very much for their unborn children and were conscientious about what went into their bodies and how it would affect those children. Although every birth/first parent came by their choice to offer their child for adoption differently, I have seen that most have loved and cared for those unborn children dearly.
Judging the entire group based upon a personal experience with a person who was never any kind of parent at all is terribly unfair to those many who were.
Related Blogs:
Lisa, is it a case of a fair number of folks out there with simple ’stinkin thinkin’? Or, could it be that a label for birth parents will be applied to all birth parents, and needs to be appropriate for ALL of them?
I have experience, I do not have infinite wisdom. I am wondering if you might be one of the lucky ones that has infinite wisdom without having to have experince? John
Hi Lisa, Great Point. My 1 yo was adopted through private adoption. Her mother quit smoking when she found out she was pregnant. My daughter is beautiful, healthy and very smart. She just turned 1 last week, has a 20 word vocabulary and has been walking since 8months. I also have 6 children adopted through foster care. All were exposed to drugs, and some alcohol. While their birth parents did not take care of their bodies during their pregnancies, they do love their children. If you say the birth mother is trash, you are sending a message to the child that the child is also trash. Parents need to be very careful what they say about a child’s birth family as the children highly identify with the family. It’s ok for the child to trash a family member, but no one else. I learned this the hard way in 14 years of foster care and over 100 children. Julia specialkidsblog3
Hi Julia, you are right, it is never ok to trash the birth parents. The only exception is the clear statement to the child that it is never right for anyone to abuse or molest them, not even a parent. I do not trash the birth parents, my job many times is to limit the really negative labels the kids want to use. As you say, that is their birth parent.
The issue here, which seems to have morphed into something different, is Jenna’s assertion that she has the unilateral right to give herself any parental title she wants. She is adamant that titles which may feel derisive to someone else are ok, and its her right only to insist on those titles.
The other issue is the title ‘first parent’. There are a fair number of folks that think this is fine, and surely isn’t a ranking title.
There seem to be an equal number that feel it is certainly a ranking, and not OK. Those of us who are in the second group are being told that we are wrong and just stuff it, some of us haven’t done that. John
Lisa, All of us see the issues through our own experience or ‘filter’, and that does not make it wrong. You have used the word ‘most’ to qualify birthparents in general, but I think we could find many adoptive families who have not shared this experience.
I know my middle child’s birthmom used alot of things during her pregnancy. I think she does love this child on some level, but I do get angry at times for what she has inflicted on our daughter. I think that is normal and it does not make me an ogre to be upset with her choices and how they have affected our daughter, and our whole family.
I don’t believe it is fair to chastize anyone for not being ‘ok’ with everything about the birthparents of their child, somtimes, somethings are not ok.
If you have walked in their shoes, then you know, if not, then please try to listen and understand.
I am listening very carefully and trying to understand as much as I can.
Thank you all for sharing.
Lisa,
I wasn’t sure how to email you to ask this, so I’ll have to ask in the comment section!!
Would you ever consider a single parent blog? I am a single mom to be through adoption, was a single foster mom and work in the adoption field. I feel very strongly that singles need more support and information!
How would one apply if you were open to a single parents blog?
I believe that information would be best covered in our adoptive parents blog. Ideally, I’d like to have a single and a member of a couple blogging there.
See this blog on how to apply:
How to Get Hired at AdoptionBlogs